After much personal drama, both in my own head and with my partner R – we have decided strongly to give up on this whole Brisbane idea and move back to Armidale. More on why we came to this realisation later; but already R has an excellent job secured in her interest-area and I have been chasing work back at UNE. And, it looks like we have a rental lined up as well – a cat friendly RSPCA friend has offered an old house close to town. R’s job starts very, very soon and the rental may be available in much the same time – which means we could be negotiating a move back up that hill to New England quick smart! To sum up without the rambling, we’re both really happy about this and I’m looking forward to getting back to that lifestyle, and I am looking forward to getting back to a stable headspace to pick up my artistic projects again.

Even before the move to Brisbane I was becoming aware of a lost feeling between R and I, and a growing amount of undefined agitation. This sensation became even worse when we got here. I felt really confused and kept telling myself to ‘think positive of the situation’ and keep on with the Brisbane idea. I couldn’t easily get work as an audio technician and my free lance work was never going to pay for much. So I tried to get more training to broaden my professional options. I got the Certificate IV Workplace and Training Certificate successfully – but I needed more qualifications to actually be able to teaching something in the adult education sector. I had a real hard time getting some straight answers out of South Bank Institute of Technology about whether or not their Vocational Graduate Certificate in Adult Literacy and Numeracy Teaching course was the ‘right fit’ for me. A little bit frustrated and confused I though “bugger it” and enrolled in the course anyway, at an expense of $3000 upfront. Well, it turns out the expected study load and level of difficulty was a little beyond me at the moment, given that I’ve not studied at a formal academic level since 2003. But there were other things going wrong that added to my struggle…

I just couldn’t concentrate. I could feel myself gradually slipping into a bit of an emotional hole, fed by these factors- loosing confidence due to not being able to find a job, still confused why there was all this strain between R and I, and being in an odd lifestyle of city living that is still all rather new to me as a person who has always lived in modest regional towns. Out of this fragile zone came all the nasty black thoughts that had been sitting there in the background all along. Self doubt. Sadness. Weirdness. Emotional agony. Second guessing. And above all else in epic proportions: GUILT. I name this fucking mental disease for what it is: a latent pattern of thinking that has been so ingrained in me that it was only a matter of time before a vulnerable moment would appear and I would fall prey to it’s maddening illogical cycle. I’ve broken down to wailing tears and destructive anguish in the last few month more times than I have ever before. I would feel so guilty that I couldn’t even bare to think of working on music, let alone making the attempt and being filled with doom and uneasy terror.

There came a point somehow that I realised that, yes, I have a very real problem.

In fact, I had started realise that I was putting pressure on R to somehow fix this problem for me, or somehow help me escape to some fantasy where the problem didn’t appear to exist. It became plain as day that this was a poisonous way to think! I had started to make my happiness contingent on external things, when really my happiness is my own responsibility and my own to sort out by myself. All this made me think that really I’ve had this problem for a very long time, maybe even since I was a teenager. Periods of calm like the last 5 years in Armidale in a stable job and environment had only protected and coveted the problem from raising it’s ugly head. But it has been deeply driving me all along. Fuck it, I became so over breaking down and being an absolute muddle that it was time to do something about it. So I went to a GP, here at the local mall. Pretty quickly after assessment I was recommended to see a Mental Health Psychologist and receive formal assessment and a short program of therapy. The doctor also gave me a written certificate which I’ve used to add evidence to an application to South Bank Institute of Technology for a partial refund of the $3000 I paid to do this course. I’d like to get part of that money back and I’m withdrawing my enrollment. I’m not risking failure and wasting that money just because I’m not up for it in this time of my life. I’ve got bigger more important problems to work through.

I realise now that for at least the last 12 months I have been pushing, pushing R into joining me on this idea of living in Brisbane. And that pushing has come from me as a faulty way of me trying to avoid dealing with my own problems, without even knowing that I was doing that. I seriously thought, mistakenly thought, that moving here would make me happy, would sort out whatever vague tensions I had about my career or relationship, and would be delivered unto some sub-tropical bliss in a parade of cultural opportunity. How wrong was I! Brisbane is a crazy place! Sure there are some good things about this lifestyle, but it’s certainly not for us. I had a day of casual work up at Redcliffe TAFE and the hour long car commute through traffic completely set it in stone for me: people crawl like this every working day for years and happily call it ‘life’. Well, no thanks. I’d rather be back in a quite room in a quiet street working on my music. Ride my bike to work. No traffic stress. The feeling of community in Armidale is a very real thing, and traveling back there for visits has made me realise that I took it all for granted. I really regret pushing R so selfishly for so long, when all along she knew she didn’t want to be here. She grew up in Brisbane and is so totally over it. It’s crazy, I had to come here myself to get it out of my system, dive into the deep end and really appreciate what it’s like to get wet. Lesson learned I guess! I will never ever again put that much pressure on someone I love in the name of something so vague as a feeling that “I want to go there and I don’t know why”. Never again!

I’ve seen Porcupine Tree live and felt ‘not there’ even though I appreciated it as a great live gig. I saw Devin Townsend live and felt so absolutely terrible within myself that I hardly know whether or not it was a great gig or not. Time and drama passed. Then I saw Massive Attack at the Brisbane Riverstage and had an amazingly good time! Best gig I’ve been to in ages! Read the reviews. Brisbane can be such a cool city to visit for gigs. Just to visit. Not to live in.

I can hear some people saying “what about your music, won’t being in a city help you with a musical career?”. I now say, not so. Even if I were the most amazing creative album producer in Australia I think Brisbane isn’t really the right city to be doing this in – maybe Melbourne would be the place. But even then I don’t think city living is for me. And the reality of the situation is that I’m not ready for beginning that process proper. I don’t have an album ready, my performance skills aren’t sharp enough, and I haven’t worked up the confidence and tenacity for taking on the impossible task of gaining some tiny slice of success in the dwindling music industry. No. I’d rather be back in Armidale, working slowly on my projects, practicing and developing things, than being in any city slaving away pushing music that isn’t fully formed in an unconfident way to an audience that’s probably only mildly interested at best. I’d rather chip away steadily on my music and get it out there via the web to people all around the world who are truly interested. I can always play live at the Armidale Club if i want to develop my confidence. I can always take that show to a city if it ever gets that serious, just like other touring bands do. Having a wholesome lifestyle is much more important than ‘suffering for your art’ in some place you don’t want to be. Each to their own.

Hopefully I can get a job back at UNE in some sort of area that uses a cross between my technology skills and my desire to help educators in an ethical way. And hopefully I can eventually get something part time again so I can have ample spare time to work on music. I need a job. I need that regularity, otherwise I flounder around. I think it’s only a matter of time until something good turns up. I’ll even work casual in new areas just to get me from A-B. I’m really looking forward to being back in that humble, low key environment. Yeah, I moaned about some things about Armidale, the cold and gloom in particular; but really no place is perfect. I used to love all those aspects of Armidale! If you’re happy with who you are and what your lifestyle is, then I think you can live anywhere. Knowing what you want, specifically, is half the problem. I’ll be working hard on actively challenging my negative thoughts, these counterproductive ways of thinking. It’ll be a long slow process.

I’m winding up my mixing and mastering freelance work for good. I’m just not interested in it anymore and I’d rather be using that time on other things. However, I’m finishing off some cool work, including an awesome album project by Distaudio. I also finished mastering the latest Helvetikone EP Numerical Exercises, which has been released here. I may be helping local Australian acts in the future, and maybe some overseas friends. But no more open-door commercial work.

Which leads to another development: I’m in negotiating with taktik of the Renoise team about taking up a paid role to write an ongoing series of blog articles about audio and song production using Renoise. Some of you might remember Renoise In:Depth – this is where I’ll be writing from. I feel writing about production techniques in an open/public manner is a much more efficient way of helping people, rather than working with a select few who want me to do most the work for them. Writing is less time consuming than mastering, less monotonous than going over endless audio material doing very fiddly detailed work. This knowledge can be taught, people can adapt these ideas for their own – all that needs to be done is to put the knowledge into words within the Renoise context. Production advice is common on the internet, but there still isn’t a lot of quality material on how to use Renoise to do all this. Our little community will hopefully benefit from this. So, if you have any ideas about articles and things you’d like to see me write about, then please let me know. I’m aiming to start publishing by the end of April, after the move is all done.

There’s probably much more to say, but that’ll do for now. Thanks so much for your interest and support.

Playing only songs from the album When Victims Fight the band delivered enhanced versions of the songs with live intensity and genuine emotion, all which came across most enjoyable and beyond expectation. Going off my limited knowledge of their YouTube posted performances, it seems that the band is quite tight and Hunz has embellished the songs with live keyboard, extra melodies and effective ‘tape loop’ style self-sampling of his vocals to perform lovely weaving auto-choruses and builds. There were many moments when I though ‘this is all better than the CD, especially the strength in Hunz’s voice’. It was a slight shame there were only 50+ odd people there to see all this – but I’m reminded of a time I saw Augie March playing beautiful music to a small and totally unresponsive Bistro Audience up at UNE in 2000 before they got very big on Triple J. Somehow, and I know it’s a cliche, I feel it’s the same for Hunz: that wide and appropriately deserving attention will befall this music one way or another. Good gigs leave you with this feeling. There are all too many acts out there that suffer from having too much style and not enough substance – but if you ever catch these guys play live you’ll see that there’s no such issue here. The music left us feeling both entertained as well as inspired.

What a motivator to keep on with my own music.

We met up with him after the set to have a quick chinwag. He told me that the Renoise XRNS files for the new album Thoughts That Move have been released, which you can read more about here. Oh yeah, and of course that means the album has gone fully public and the band will be performing the new songs at future gig dates (lucky for Brisbanites). As stated before, I’m excited for him and think that it’s a good sign of what is yet to emerge.

As for myself at the moment there is little to report other than I’m continuing with much work where I can as time allows. I’ve recently started using Reaper, which is audio software based on much the same philosophy as Renoise. I’m looking at ways I can get the two joined up with ReWire, or using Renoise to do mixes and Reaper to do masters. More soon…

Room40.org played host for Tujiko Noriko, who played at the Judith Wright Centre on the 20th of August. Playing to an audience seated or lying on the floor with eyes closed, Tujiko delivered an interesting set of ‘avant pop’ by simply singing along with her laptop as it played the backing tracks. Her voice was so captivating, full of confident yet understated melody that lulled you into some sort of magical place – it became the central focus of the performance. The most amazing moments were when the backing track became paired down to minimal elements allowing us to focus on the drama of her performance. It certainly was a treat to see and hear, and largely unlike the usual live bombastic noise we’re used to with rock and pop experiences. She has a new album out which I picked up, U. A particular standout (as it was at the gig too) is ‘I Can Hear The Heart’, which is both dark but reaching toward the light. You can find out about the album here:

Worth mentioning also is the support act, Melbourne’s II. Armed with just two guitars and an array of effects devices, they played two loop-based long-form improvisations that merged post-rock warmth with ambient strangeness. Their moments of gold were produced with sensitivity to melody’s relationship to emotion, yet keeping it interesting with abstraction. You can get more here:

Now patiently waiting for Spring to emerge…

I had the duty of covering for L between sets, and it was good fun. It was difficult operating gear and software I’ve never used before, as well as selecting tunes completely from L’s unfamiliar funky playlists. In parts I held it together well enough, and we had many happy dancing people. Party DJing is not really for me, and I was not willing to placate the drunk dancer’s requests for ‘more 80s retro please’. I am, on the other hand, grateful for the opportunity to learn.

The decorations and lighting were superb, and it is a shame the space will no longer be used for arts. The following are some images, including some evidence of a communal painting in progress:

Tenniscoats – Totemo Aimasho

For Barry Ray – New Days

A little more about Lawrence…

I had the chance to meet and chat with Lawrence. I passed on copies of my albums Futurology and 2 Smargaid Maerd’s Unconsciousness half – which he seemed encouraging about. We discussed the opportunities of playing soundscapes live in Brisbane and about some people I should network with to make that a possibility.

In the weeks since getting my RAM established I’ve been working probably harder than ever at generally every project. Nothing to boast of yet in the way being finished, but some new twists and turns are leading me down new avenues. My previous soundscape work (linked to above) was largely based on automations, samples and in some cases noise. Now, things are moving in a much more melodic ambient direction. I am getting deeper into using tape-loop processing to build large progressive pieces using my guitar as the main input, not dissimilar at all to Robert Fripp’s method. I’m working on being able to perform this live. It may prove to be a more direct voice for my unrestrained ideas, being less of the compromised-commercial variety (like some of my works in progress, ala Paradox). Ideas are floating about to play in conjunction with art-gatherings, or non-pub venues.

Along with everything else being worked on, I will share some of these slow melodic pieces soon…

Things are being held up at the moment because my studio computer had its RAM deciding to destroy itself. I am now playing the waiting game, a path that may take weeks in determining if I can get the units replaced under warranty or if I have to buy expensive replacements. This means no music editing (which has been driving me slightly mad) as well as no progress on the remasters of the archive music. I’m thinking it may be a month at least before I get that underway: which reminds me, I have to come up with a suitable name for that release-progression/podcast.

This delay isn’t too bad though, as I’ve been trying to do some much needed work elsewhere. If you follow the shop link at the top of your screen you’ll see some interesting changes in progress. Also, real work can’t happen without outstanding ordered equipment arriving here, namely the preamp and acoustic filter for vocal recording.

For now, you can go have a look at CBD Dub Project – who gave a lovely little intimate gig at the Armidale Club on Friday evening. I was lucky enough to have a meal with them beforehand to find they are very nice gents – yet another underground live act reclaiming musicianship in electronica.

While I tend to prefer seeing small venue live music or electronica-festivals, the Big Day Out was a last minute choice in order to catch one of our long time favourites Tool. The rest of the bill did not have any acts at all we really wanted to see, but we figured it was worth trying to discover cool unknown acts. We set out, we being Richelle and friends Renee and Toshi, to survive the hot dust bowl and gathering of inane T-shirts and “look at me” antics of the BDO. Big festivals draw a fine line between ‘a good time’ and ‘hell on earth’. The pro of the venue was maximum visibility of many stages from a distance, while the con being a lack of shade outside the jam packed stage-tents.

We rummaged around from act to act being disappointed by the large amount of ordinary DJs, rock standards, and predictable hip-hop yelling. Two little unexpected gems came through. My Ninja Lover impressed doing lively electronic dance-pop music with Primary esq female vocals and cool electro-drums being played standing up. Even more surprising was That 1 Guy doing very funky electro blues on one of the most innovative electronic instruments I’ve recently seen, ala The Magic Pipe. Both acts engaged the crowd and at the same time gave us something fresh and new to think about.

After cowering under a tree for most of the afternoon we eventually moved camp over at the main stage to prepare for Tool. The involved witnessing The John Butler Trio, The Killers, Jet and Muse. I’m not a fan of any of those bands, but I was impressed with talent on offer – not a note wrong from anyone. The cooling evening bade welcome to Tool, and we were well placed but far back to soak up the event. What follows is my take on the proceedings:

- Sound was good considering it was a festival, and the mix improved at the night went on. I was back on the grass-rise and had a great view of the crowd and the stage. The sound was tolerable.

- All songs, save for Vicarious, were about 2-3% slower than their studio versions. I am guessing that this was done intensionally to give the band room for precision for complex phrasing. Pro: deeper and more hypnotic renditions – Con: dampens excitement.

- Rhythmically the band improved as the set progressed. I noticed a few dragging fills and slightly loose phrasing. Just saying “they are human” doesn’t quite cut it: performance is mastery over a subtle state. Generally, many young bands accidentally hone this by way of intuition and uncontrolled enthusiasm. Older performers can over-think, under-practice, second-guess or just loose touch with that ‘subtle state’. Whether these issues concern Tool can be debated, but their younger recordings seem to hint at the larger pattern. Just how responsible is the band (any band) in the task of achieving that state of flow for maximum performance?

- Maynard’s pitch was really spot on for most of the night, which was a blessing: I was fearing that he would struggle through as I have heard him do so in some of the bootleg media. Some of the high chorus work in Sober was not quite par (continuous long high notes is killer on the diaphragm). He also only half did the Vicarious crescendo. Touring self-preservation? Nonetheless, I am thankful that he sung at all – singing is the hardest, most subtle, musical task. Bar none.

- Extended versions and improvisations were great. Opiate’s bridge was double length, where MJK’s lines where sung every second chord set instead of on each set. Schism’s double time section is very juicy to finally hear. Either Adam or Maynard played a very spacey keyboard part between two songs I can’t remember, but it was a nice moment of looking around at the massive crowd and thinking “wow, all these people are experiencing this release: high volume reflective art-moment”. The band’s future recordings could certainly benefit from these pad sounds, exploring similar paths they’ve visited with Reflection and Intension.

- Light show was good, moved with the music and mood well.

- Video was probably not as interesting at the Lateralus tour which I saw in 2002. The angle of attack seems more subtle, although still surreal and sinister. But we’ve got to ask ourselves the question: are we there to listen to music or to watch TV? A few times in the set I looked away or closed my eyes. Both approaches have advantages and disadvantages. Opiate’s take on the Christian cross being repeated in the 8-sacred-geometry patterns was an interesting spin.

- A good strong feel to the set list. Left feeling satisfied and with much thinking material. Not quite as good as 2002′s Disposition/Reflection/Triad epic. I hope they tour here again so we get to see Wings For Marie/10000 Days soak though a large audience.

- Good to see the crowd singing along to most of the words. I even saw some people moving well with the complex time changes. The vibe was great, despite many men and women (boys and girls?) stuck in their little alcohol narrow-verse. I had a good time and it was a rewarding end to a day that is otherwise just a plain struggle.

So there you have it! I’m now back up in New England (safe from humidity) and enjoying some time with Jarrad who is visiting on PhD business. I’m currently working on a quick little track which will be released for free very soon. Then we have some sorting to do to get the year’s bigger projects underway.

The Belligen Hall gig was the most impressive, hosting nearly 200 people. The Hall was half used (being very large) and was well decorated with all matter of lighting, projections, bamboo leaf and glow in the dark hoop/flag/poy dancers. The entire evening most of the crowd were in dancing mode to the predominately house-trance music, which the band put a certain tribal element into the mix as well. Although most of the people where young kids there were a few older folk really enjoying the vibe, some of which I’ve seen at other dance parties. Apparently, though, it is said that this scene is dwindling. Perhaps a transition from trance (going since mid 90s) to a new form of music will take place.

I was glad I didn’t have to play live, as the sickness was still lingering. At one point three young boys sat next to me with their cigerettes going. Already coughing, the smoke set me off in a convulsive fit of hacking. I had to get up and move, slightly annoyed that these guys were smoking inside. I think they read this annoyance and took offense – though how you could get offended when someone is suffering because of your self destruction is beyond my empathy. Later in the evening one of these boys felt it necessary to walk past me and drop his shoulder into me. A brief flutter of anger passed through me, but being sick cured me of the over exertion, and I knew nothing I could do could prevent them from being total uncompassionate idiots. Unfortunately, their loss. This was the only negativity for the whole night.

The band’s approach to playing live music is an interesting one, possible one we will see more of in the future. Two drummers, one on kit (Darren), one with an array of toms, congas and other cool bits (Justin), attempted to play (and did so very well in places) along with the keyboard operator’s pre-sequenced beats and acid synth-lines and pads (done by Ben). So when it worked it sounded like dj-ed material with live organic drums jamming along with full human energy. Where it noticeably became confused is where the humans couldn’t quite be as stiff as the machines. Either way, the crowd consistantly rewarded them for providing trance grooves with enough sonic colour to provide a cognitive journey. In live, the groove is king.

The Armidale Club gig could have been slightly better for them, only having about 50 people turn up, again most of which really got into the dancing for the end of the DJs and the band proper. The vibe was positive. It was expressed more than once that Armidale is in serious need of new live groove electronica, as in conjunction with our staple folk, blues, country, punk and occasional metal and hip hop. We hope to remedy this with running The Arc monthly from now on, giving full scope to electronic groove and weirdness.

I’m off for two weeks on a massive road trip from Perth to Armidale. There will be lots to pick up on when I get back…

http://www.triplejunearthed.com/Artists/View.aspx?artistid=3439

It will be interesting to watch, but I expect very little from it.

In other news, the second round of the band competition has taken place last night. “Summersault” are a band to keep an eye out for, doing nothing new but doing it very well. Unfortunately, again, the DJs were the ones who had the floor filled with bad Top 40 club mixes and US pop-hop. The more serious rock act “The Oceans” had the hard task of keeping the Bistro going after the competition. If only they turned their guitarist and singer off they’d have quite a groovey live outfit with some interesting space-keyboards. Guitar-noise persists dying a very slow death.

Lots of other things happening, most of which I shall keep secret for now. One thing I can say is that some of us are bitting the bullet and building a small PA. The idea of live electronica parties is looking closer all the time…

I was recently asked by Services UNE to be a judge for the Jim Beam National Campus Band Competition. While the title may look rather glamorous and honourable, the job is fairly much a monkey’s job. Poor hopeful wannabe bands play to an unresponsive crowd for a mere 20 minutes while us Judges fill out narrowly categorised forms giving scores making for a fairly mechanical process. One bonus for me is getting to hang out with fellow judge Pete Arkins who seems keen to collaborate musically. Pete caught my attention last year experimenting with bmps as slow as 2 beats per minute…

The other bonus is that I can write some constructive comments for these bands. Last night was heat 1, seeing three fairly rock-oriented bands. The third, Strange Days, were slightly interesting in their Sonic-Youth-out-of-tune feels meets Russel Crow happily pissed was shambolic but showing potential. However, all night there were no electronics, or any deliberate sense of ‘giving the groove to the crowd’, which is really where it’s at with live music, or at least what is exciting me. There are two more judging sessions to go before it’s over, with two new bands to see next week.

Triple J’s Unearthed has returned once again, this time as a national web community that will surely mean bloating and little chance for bands and artists that used to rely upon the old regional model of the competition. Still, the initiative has been enough to inspire my WA friend James DXU to put up a page for his DXU-555 audio-video project with VJ 555, which will come online once their songs are accepted. Speaking of which, the boys have put up a YouTube page, showing off their magic work done for the unreleased Dimensions DVD.

I’ve also decided to put an Unearthed page up (again, offline until the songs are accepted), although I currently have no tunes out of my public mp3s I wish to submit. There was the thought I would fast-track some of my developing Paradox songs – but I’m in no mood to rush those songs which require months more close attention and work. So, I think I will quickly cut up a version of ‘I Love You And I Love Your Needles’ that appears in original form on James DXU’s Analogue Sessions Vol.1 album with the ‘Modification’ suffix. It will be as thus: the original, polished sonically, with James’ groovy analogue beats added the end section. That song will have to serve as a place holder untill I get the Paradox tracks done.

Lots more happening, which I shall reveal in good time…